i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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