i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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