One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
