I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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