I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
