i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
