Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
