I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
