Got a toothbrush?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
