Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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