I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize