I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
