I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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