Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
