So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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