I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
