i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
