I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
