What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
