My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
