If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He passed out mid-signature
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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