Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
we should paint friendship bongs
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