Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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