Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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