I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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