I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
