my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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