Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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