I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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