Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
