I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
