I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just gift wrapped bread.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
