It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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