I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
