he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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