Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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