I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
