lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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