I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
