her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm bleeding and have questions
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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