I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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