my phone needs a breathalizer
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Who died my cat blue again?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
