so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
