oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
