Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
