i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think my moral compass just broke
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
