I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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