oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
