I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
