maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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