I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
