K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
