I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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