New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
