Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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