You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she told me i tasted like america
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
