those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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