I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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