My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize