fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize