why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
