dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
